Critical Conversations to Have Before Saying, “I Do”

Effective communication is essential for a happy and healthy relationship. If you can establish this before embarking on your marriage journey, your relationship will be in great shape prior to, during and after you say, “I do.” 

It can be easy to get caught in the glitz and glam of wedding day bliss, and completely overlook why you’re having a wedding in the first place. A marriage is a sacred union between two people looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together, but this can quickly get muddled when you’re in the thick of budgeting for the event, creating the guest list and securing your date. 

What makes a wedding so special is, first and foremost, witnessing the love shared between two people. But when couples are deep in the wedding planning process, perhaps stressed out about family dynamics or financials, how can they remain focused on their marriage? 

Emilee Krupa is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Utah but provides online services across the globe. She specializes in private practice, individual therapy, group therapy and couple’s retreats, “doing all kinds of experiential therapy” to help couples reconnect. 

For her newlywed and newly engaged clients, Emilee recommends premarital counseling. “It’s easier to do it at the beginning because you’re discussing your vision for the future and your shared goals and meaning and values,” Emilee says. Her recommendation? Get into therapy before you get to a point of contention and consider such questions as: What are our core values and beliefs? Where do we want to live in the future? Do we want to move to another country or another city? Do we want to have a family? What are our career aspirations? 

“You’re investing in your relationship,” she says. “We invest in gym memberships so we can stay healthy, we invest in vacations to take vacations from reality—we need to be investing in our relationships.” 

Early in their relationships, couples often fail to understand each other’s attachment styles, Emilee says. “I believe attachment is the core of our being as humans,” she says. “Exploring a couple’s attachment style provides so much insight into how you respond to one another, understanding what your partner’s needs are.” 

Types of attachment styles include anxious, secure and dismissive or avoidant. If your attachment style is anxious, for instance, you need constant validation that the relationship is strong. “If we understand that and know that—because arguments and disagreements will happen—we can come to a place where one partner says, ‘I’m feeling very emotionally overwhelmed and need a break,’ instead of storming off or shutting down,” she says. 

Couples also should talk about specific ways they can support each other, whether they’re having a bad day at work, are stressed out about wedding details or are struggling internally with something. Emilee advises engaged couples to “connect before you communicate,” saying the practice is vital in remembering why a couple is getting married in the first place.  

“Simple bids of connection, like a hug when you see each other or sending a text or picture during the day, are crucial to keeping your relationship on track,” Emilee says. 

Having daily and monthly check-ins is also hugely important. These can be simple, like asking your partner what they have going on during the week or sharing their highs and lows from their day. Emilee reminds couples that they are on the same team. “If I had one piece of advice for newlyweds to feel connected to one another, it would be to prioritize emotional intimacy above anything else,” Emilee says. “How to share openly and honestly with your partner, connecting before you communicate ... so that when harder conversations do come up, it’s easier to move through and overcome.” 

Maureen Scelza is a Columbus marriage and family therapist who has been working with couples since 2010. When working with engaged couples, the big questions she goes through with them are, “How do we communicate in a healthy manner? How do we have hard conversations?”  

Common discussion points include family conflict, finances, intimacy and feeling emotionally safe with your partner. “Oftentimes, it’s as simple as one partner seeing the other as a human,” Maureen says. “And that can make all the difference.” 

Her go-to tools for premarital couples include reflecting on what makes them feel seen and making sure they have meaningful time together. “The theme of our sessions is centered around how a couple can communicate better, and in a healthy way,” Maureen says. 

She likes her couples to go through such questions as: How can we grow together? How are you doing with your career? How are you doing emotionally? Am I giving you what you need at home?  

In addition to having difficult conversations, Maureen encourages couples to understand that their relationships are always evolving. “Our lives are growing and changing all the time,” Maureen says. “Weddings are stressful and expensive, and there is a lot of outside influence. How can you check-in with each other?” 

She also touches on the danger of comparison—comparing your wedding with your friend’s wedding, or your relationship with one you see on television. She considers this a “fatal flaw.” Maureen says, “Questions couples need to be asking are: What should our relationship look like? How should our wedding feel?” 

Maureen recommends the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman for any couple about to get married, as well as the free Gottman Card Decks app, which offers more than a thousand helpful questions, statements and ideas for improving your relationship. 

The Happy, Healthy Couple Checklist 

• Daily and monthly check-ins with each other. 
• Weekly date nights (making sure you have meaningful, intentional time with one another)
• Telling yourself daily, “Our relationship matters."
• Maintenance is always easier than recovery. 
• Share love and kindness daily. 
• Be prepared to grow and change and expect that from your partner. 

This story is from the Spring 2024 issue of Columbus Weddings.